The Path to Absolution
by rmhale
Summary: Sequel to A Kiss Before I Say Goodbye for FGB. Edward begins a path to self-discovery that will hopefully lead him back to the one he has loved all along. Edward/Jasper
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: When BeCullen purchased an alternate ending to A Kiss Before I Say Goodbye for FGB, she asked me to give them a HEA, for Edward to realize he screwed up and come back, and for Jasper to make him grovel and all be well. In my mind, this Edward would never have done that. He would have done it long before his wedding if it was going to happen at all, so the only way I can think of to continue this story is as such. It will not be an alternate ending. This is set in the future and if you were happy with how AKBISG ended, do not read the continuation.**

**This will be a hard journey for Edward, but I hope you take it with him.**

**Thank you BeCullen for purchasing this and donating to FGB and Alex's Lemonade Stand and for sharing it with others.**

**Thank you to my fantastic beta OnTheTurningAway.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**

* * *

**

EPOV

They say time heals all wounds.

It's a fucking lie, all it does it allow them to fester, be laid bare, raw and open.

There is no Band-Aid that will fix me, no words that can console me.

It has been three years since I walked away from the most important person in my life and the regret eats at me constantly.

He is always in my mind, the features of his face having never faded. I see him in every action I take, with every move I make.

There is always something there reminding me, forcing me to see what I gave up.

Every shade of blue reminds me of his eyes and I can't get away. I see it in the sky, the paint in my kitchen, the coffee mug I drink from every day.

The pain I feel is agonizing and even the sun reminds me of him. Jasper is warmth, laughter, love and I have lost him. There is none of that in my life now. All that I see are varying shades of gray, I haven't smiled in years. I have painted on a grin when the timing called for it, even chuckled at jokes, but none have been based on happiness. I don't know what that is anymore. I don't deserve it.

All of this aggravates the shards of my tattered heart; there is nothing left of the man I was when he loved me. I am broken beyond repair, and my poor wife has tried everything to make me love her, to make me feel anything.

It has never worked.

Once you truly give your heart away, love someone from the depths of your soul, you don't get that back. It's no longer yours to give, it belongs to someone else. My heart belongs to another and deep down she's always known that. There aren't enough romantic gestures in the world that would have made me fall for her. When we married, my heart and soul were left in a hotel room, crying on the ground, hoping I would stay. And yet...I walked away.

There isn't a second that has passed in the last three years that Jasper hasn't crossed my mind. He is here with me always. The strength I draw from his love keeps me going everyday. He gave me enough love to last a lifetime.

There are so many times I have looked in the mirror thinking none of this was worth losing him, not even my family.

Sometimes I'm ready to throw it all away, to take this carefully crafted lie I live and leave it behind.

There is a decision that needs to be made, always has been. Whether I divorce my wife or declare my orientation and look for Jasper, I need to do something. My other choice has always been taking matters into my own hands and removing myself from this world.

The latter is never really more than a dark fantasy. I am weak, always have been, a puppet under my father's control.

I don't have the strength to end my own life.

I am a shell, I am nothing without him and I no longer want to be a coward.

Suitcases sit on the bed, my clothes haphazardly strewn about as I try to figure out what to take and what to leave. It is time to start over, to find out who I really am. I am taking nothing but my clothes, my car and money.

Jessica will be well taken care of, she deserves it for putting up with this sham of a marriage. This will come as no surprise to her, she has been hinting for a long time that I need to find my way and that she doesn't believe it is with her. Yet, I still stayed married to her, hoping that somehow, things would click and I could take the easy road.

It isn't happening, I am slowly dying and only Jasper can save me.

If he is willing.

But before that is even a possibility, I have things I need to do.

My fingers trail over the bracelet around my wrist. It is the only tangible connection I have left to Jasper. He gave it to me our first Christmas together. I have never taken it off. Although it weighs nothing, the cognitive burden crushes me daily.

My fingertips trail up my palm and come to rest on my wedding ring. For the first time since Jessica put it on my finger, I pull it off and set the band on my dresser.

Already, I feel more disengaged from my life here. It is one small step on the path to self-discovery, one monumental leap on the path to Jasper.

I finish packing the few things I am taking with me. I slip the photos of my family into the outer pocket and pack enough clothes for two weeks. Everything else is being left behind. All of my suits, dress pants, tailored shirts and ties. There is no need for them where I am going. I am leaving the John Lobb loafers and Prada boots that were never my style. All I have are jeans, t-shirts and tennis shoes.

It is sad that my life fits into two suitcases, but at least I know what is important to me. Tucked away in the bottom of one bag are two tattered photos of me and Jasper. They are the only ones I have, all the others having been left behind. Three years ago, I'd considered not taking any, but I couldn't bring myself to not have any physical reminders of when we were happy.

"So," Jessica says from the door of our room. "Are you leaving?"

"Yes," I tell her, meeting her eyes which are filled with unshed tears.

"Were you going to tell me?" Jessica's voice is uncharacteristically shrill. This is going to be hard and I know I am going to hurt her.

"Don't I deserve at least that?" The pain is evident in her words and I know she has always deserved better than me.

"I was waiting for you to come home," I tell her. "I figured we would talk then."

"You're already packed, Edward." Her hands are shaking as she points to my bags and I can see she is about to break.

I walk over to my wife, my beautiful wife, who never should have married me. She wants love, joy, children, a dog; all the things that make up a happy family. For the past few years she has tried to make us into the perfect family.

I have always known I will never fit into that and have made a career of keeping her talk about babies at bay. She is a nurturer. She needs children to dote on, lunches to make, practices and games to attend.

If I wasn't such a fucking coward, she would have all that by now.

But I am.

It is time to change that, to be a man I am proud to look at in the mirror. This is only the first step. After I leave here, I will be talking with my father.

Telling Jessica will be easy compared to telling him. He hates fags, always has, and now his only son is about to tell him he is one.

"Jess," I say, taking her hands in mine. "You had to know this was coming."

Jessica closes her eyes and it hurts me to see the tears running down her pale cheeks. She takes a moment to let the sadness fall from her eyes and then wrenches her hands from mine.

"Know it was coming? Are you fucking serious?" She never cusses, ever. It startles me as much as her raised voice.

"You told me, Jess, that you didn't think I was happy, that you wanted me to find what I needed." I am shocked that she is surprised by this. Maybe I misunderstood the talks I felt lead up to this.

She swiped her hand across the dresser, knocking our wedding picture onto the floor.

"And what did you tell me, Edward. Every single time I tried to get you to talk to me about what was wrong?"

I hang my head, shame tearing away at my gut.

I am wrong, like always.

My life is a huge mistake, one I made, and I have to live with the consequences of my decisions. I am not the only one my lies have affected.

I am a sinner of the worst kind, I have destroyed other lives besides my own.

This is my first step in atoning for it all.

It is time for all the lies to stop.

"I told you that there was nothing wrong."

"Exactly," she yells as she throws something across the room. "Nothing! I'm not stupid, Edward. I know it was never nothing, but you never let me in."

She buries her face in her hands and shakes her head, her shoulder slump in defeat. "I tried so hard, did everything I could to make you happy, to make you love me and it was never enough. I was never enough for you, was I?"

My tears are now running as freely as hers, my heart breaking for the girl who put her faith in me to make her happy. There is a band around my chest, getting tighter with each salty streak that runs from her red-rimmed eyes.

"Jess, you are perfect." It's true, she is.

"Oh please," she scoffs. "Let me guess, it's you right?"

I don't want to make it any worse by placating her, so I blurt it out.

"I'm gay."

She freezes, her eyes a myriad of emotions. I watch as they widen in disbelief and say nothing. Her fists clench at her side as her face scrunches with hurt and her lip trembles hard. She takes a few deep breaths as a mask of resignation slips into place before she speaks.

"How long?" she whispers, bracing herself against the door jam as if it will hold her up and keep her from falling.

I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry. "I've known since college." The tendrils of fear radiate through me as I wait for her reaction.

She clutches the material over her chest, gasping, her mouth open with words that won't come out.

"All this time? You knew? And you married me, knowing this?" Her bottom lip is quivering, her words voicing disbelief as she looks at me. Her eyes are questioning, narrowed at me and I know I have to answer.

"Yes."

I can't lie, not about this.

A blur flies at me, knocking me backwards onto the bed before I can brace myself and her little fists are pummeling my chest. She is screaming and crying and asking "Why?" over and over. I let her hit me, it is the least I deserve. It doesn't hurt, but her heartbreak is crushing.

Finally she stops and collapses in a pitiful pile of heaving sobs on top of me. I hold her, rock her and kiss her hair as I whisper apologies into her ear. Her pain is my pain and I hope she will recover from this and find the love she deserves.

My tears mix with hers on the bedspread, falling continuously until her sobs subside into little hiccups and then her breathing evens out.

She is asleep.

I scoot back against the headboard and hold her close to me as I look down at the face of the woman I married. Her nose is red and tears have dried on her face yet still cling to her lashes. Her body is still heaving slightly and my guilt is compounded. Even in sleep she is broken.

I hold her until I am too tired to stay awake or move my suitcases. Carrying her to the spare room, I lay in the bed next to her and hug my wife for one last night before I walk out the door tomorrow and leave this life behind.

When I wake the next morning, Jessica is gone. There is a letter on the pillow, held in place with her wedding ring.

_Edward, _

_This morning when I woke, I sat there and watched you, wondering what I missed, where I went wrong. Then I realized...I didn't do anything, you did. _

_I can't believe our marriage is over, done and you are just going to walk away like none of it ever mattered. You never talked to me, you were_

_packed and ready to go with no counseling, arguing...NOTHING._

_I had to leave this morning, I don't have the heart to watch you walk out the door and never come back. I hope you find what it is you are looking_

_for, because we now know that it isn't me. I want you to find happiness, Edward, but at the same time, I selfishly hope you suffer as I surely will._

_Maybe you have been this whole time. If you have, you are an even bigger coward than I thought. I don't really know what to say other than goodbye._

_As far as the rest, it will figure itself out. _

_Be safe, wherever you go and your secret will not leave my lips until it leaves yours first. As angry as I am, I would never betray you that way._

_I did love you, I still do..._

_Jessica _

The ink is smeared in places where her tears hit the paper as she wrote it. Once again, when I think I can not possibly feel any worse about my actions, I hold the evidence that I have hurt two people I love. It makes me hate myself and I want to learn to at least like myself. This will never happen until I purge all the secrets I have held inside.

After I get ready for the day, I close up my suitcases, grab my computer and load them in the car. I walk back into the place that has been my home for the past three years and take a last look around. It looks exactly the same, my presence here matters for naught. There is nothing that says "Edward" it is all Jess. She picked it all out and I never once lent a hand, just nodded my head when she asked if I liked things.

Deep down I knew that this was never going to last, that we would never withstand this sham I created. The only visible place where my presence will be missed is in our room, but even there, I am leaving behind the parts of me that don't matter. Placing a letter for my wife on the table, I walk out of my house and never once look back. There are no fond memories to be had in there and my future is where I want to look from now on.

There is only one other thing I need to do before I start a life of my own. I need to go see my father, tell him the truth and, if I am being honest with myself, lose my family in the process. This has always been the hardest part of thinking about coming out for me. I love them, they are vital to me, but I don't need them anymore if they can not accept me for who I am. I have never been strong enough to make it without them before, but for me and for Jasper, I finally am

* * *

**A/N: I think this is going to be about 5-8 chapters. Thanks for reading.**


	2. Weathering the Storm

**A/N: WARNING: There is hate speech in this chapter in reference to homosexuals. It was necessary for this chapter and some were direct quotes from a dear friend who dealt with a similar situation. Please forgive the words.**

**Thank you again to BeCullen for buying this continuation.**

**Thank you to OnTheTurningAway for being the bestest beta ever.**

**

* * *

**

CHAPTER 2

I pull up in front of my parents' house but remain in the car to take everything in. The Cullen estate is both impressive and imposing, but in many ways, it is home. There are so many places on this property where I have made memories. Some of them warm my heart and some bring tears of pain to my eyes.

This is the home I grew up in. I learned to ride a bike on the circular driveway. I remember my mom taking pictures from the steps while my dad ran next to me, telling me to pedal until he let go. I fell so many times, scraping myself up in the process, but he kept putting me back on there until I was able to do it.

I smile to myself as I remember what he told me: "Cullen men do not fail."

Getting out of the car, I know that I have failed my father with my actions as of late. He is going to do one of two things when we talk.

Accept me or disown me.

I know my father; I am banking on the second option and hoping foolishly for the first. There is really no way to prepare yourself for something like this. Millions of scenarios and outcomes have played through my mind, all evoking a wide array of emotions inside of me.

The stress of it all should have killed me by now, but if having a hollow, broken heart hasn't done the job, nothing will.

As I walk up the steps to the door, all I can hear are the words of hate my father has spewed my entire life.

_Homos are disgusting._

_All fags should disappear._

_Stay away from that Jennings kid, he's a fairy and I don't want him contaminating you._

_There is nothing natural about taking it up the ass son, those people are an abomination._

_Gays marry? It will be a cold day in hell before God ever allows that to happen. _

My father has always made his views on the subject very clear.

With terror in my heart, I push the doorbell and wait.

"Oh, Edward," my mother says, pulling me into a hug on the porch. "What a surprise." I can hear the excitement in her voice. It has been awhile since I paid her an unexpected visit.

"Hi, mom," I say, squeezing back and hugging her hard, enjoying the warmth and love in her embrace. After what I am about to reveal, it may be the last one I get from her for a long while, if ever again. I swallow down the tears burning in my throat and hold her tightly to my chest before releasing her.

"What's wrong? Are you all right? Did something happen?" Her eyes are scrutinizing, moving over me and taking in everything in detail.

My mother has always known intuitively when something was wrong with me. Throughout my life, she has always made me feel better in her own, special way.

When I was a child, she would make me cookies and read to me while I laid my head on her lap.

When I was a bit older, she still made the cookies, but instead would sit with me at the kitchen counter, letting me tell her my problems and then offering up her advice. It was always my own choice whether I took the words to heart.

Before I married Jessica, my mom took me out for coffee, which was her newest way of offering comfort to her adult son. Seated across from her at the table, she flat out asked me if marrying Jessica was what I wanted. My answer to her is something I have never forgotten.

"It doesn't matter what I want, does it Mom? It has to happen, I have always known that and I am prepared to do it."

She looked at me, tears filling her beautiful green eyes and she nodded.

There was an order, a plan, a way things had to go. I always assumed her marriage to my father came about the same way, but I never asked. On top of being bad form, it is a question I never wanted the answer to. If there was one thing to be said about the Cullens, it was that we always did what was proper, even amongst ourselves.

"I'm okay mom, or I will be, I promise. Is Dad here? I need to talk to you both."

"He's in his study, I'll just go get him." I watch her walk to the edge of the stairs before she turns around, looking at me with concern in her eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, Mom," I tell her. "Just go get Dad please."

I walk into the living area while she goes to get him. My eyes travel from picture to picture. They are such a farce, images of all the little pawns in my father's idea of a perfect, nuclear family.

Jessica and me, standing in the middle with the Stanleys on one side and my mother and father on the other. All of us have smiles on our faces.

How could they fail to notice that my smile never reaches my eyes in every picture taken since my wedding day?

Do they they just not care?

I make my way over to the fireplace so I can see my father when he enters the room. I can hear his footsteps echoing on the wood stairs, each one setting my nerves on edge. When he walks in, he looks annoyed and I am sure I have disturbed him in the middle of some type of business. He is always holed up in his study when I come over.

"What is it, Edward?" he asks, briskly walking in and standing across the room from me.

I shake my head lightly with a sad smile on my lips. He always makes me feel like he's too busy for me, but he is my father and as I take in his larger than life presence, my heart hurts because I do love him.

"Mom, Dad, I need to talk to you both about something important, but before I say what I came here to say, there is something I need to do first."

I walk over to stand in front of my father. He is only an inch taller than me, but I have always felt like it was so much more. Feeling meek standing next to the man is not a new sensation for me.

Knowing that this may be the last time I see him, I throw my arms around him and hug tightly. He tenses up, but allows me to hold him close.

"I love you, Dad," I whisper.

My father's hand comes up and he pats me on the back half-heartedly a few times.

"I love you too son, now what is the meaning of this? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

Letting go gradually, I turn to my mother. Tears are running down her face and she is holding her arms out to me. I walk into her embrace and she rocks me against her chest, telling me over and over that everything is going to be all right.

I take all the love she is giving me deep into my soul because I know it isn't okay.

It never will be again.

I came here to do something, to say something, and I need to do this. For myself, for Jasper, so I pull away and kiss her cheek before letting go.

"Can you guys maybe sit down?"

My father starts to pace, running a hand through his silver-blond hair. This is a habit I know I have picked up from him and I catch myself with my hand in my hair as well.

"Just tell us, Edward. I don't have time for games. Are you sick son? Is that it?" My dad walks even faster, going over to the phone while my mom slowly sinks down onto the couch.

For a moment, I can see my dad really does care in his own way, that he loves me. I only hope this lasts.

"Goddammit, Edward, tell me. I have access to all the best doctors. I can get you help, but I need to know what is wrong!"

I walk over to him and take the phone from his hand, "Sit down dad, please." I place it back on the cradle before turning around to face them both.

My father's face is drawn into a scowl and my mother is sitting with her hands nervously twisting in her lap. These two people in front of me have raised me, loved me and taught me everything I always believed to be the right thing. They have been there every step of the way, through good times and bad. I hope they are willing to ride out this storm with me, but even if they aren't, I finally feel strong enough to do this on my own.

Taking a deep breath and pushing down the nauseating fear, I shove my trembling hands into my pockets and say, "I'm getting a divorce."

My dad looks at me, his eyebrows raised, and stands right back up. "Repeat that, please?"

"I'm leaving Jessica. We are getting divorced." He gives me that look - the one that has always intimidated me - but this time it almost makes me laugh. He thinks he is so menacing, and I suppose I have allowed him to be. Until now.

"Is this some kind of joke, Edward? You can't get divorced, I forbid it."

Now I do burst out laughing. "Forbid me, Dad? I am a grown man, you can't tell me what to do, not anymore"

My mother has still said nothing, but my dad is in my face, his finger angrily poking me in the chest.

"Edward, you need to get over whatever your problem is, go back home, make up with your wife and not let a lover's quarrel ruin what Conner and I have worked years to accomplish. Your marriage to that girl has made this business what it is today."

"I understand that, it's why I married her in the first place, but then, you never really gave me another choice, did you?"

"Don't you talk to me about choices, son."

His face is red and I can see the vein throbbing in his temple. He is already so angry and I haven't even told him all of the facts yet. I have a feeling this is going to be worse than I initially thought.

"Life isn't about choices, Edward. It is about responsibilities, duties to our families and making sure we pave the way for our legacy to continue. Do you think I had choices? No. I knew what I had to do and I did it without complaint. You kids these days think that the world is your playground, that there is a light to help lead you to a destiny other than the one that is the necessary one. Life isn't fun and games, now grow up!"

He is so wrong. For so many years, I believed the bullshit he fed me about how my life's path was laid out for me in stone and how my job as a Cullen was to follow that path. There really is so much more to my life than what my father has dictated as the only way.

"I am not looking for fun and games, dad. I want to have the freedom to marry someone I love, to work where I choose, to leave this city and never look back without guilt."

My grabs the front of my shirt and hauls me against him, "You listen here you little shit. I raised you to show respect, shaped you to take over the company when I retire and to make sure our name carries on. That is all you need to worry about. You are not a free spirit, Edward, your soul belonged to me the minute you were born, don't you ever forget that. You are _my _son, mine! Now get whatever crawled up your ass out, fix this mess with your wife and get out of my house until you can speak to me with the respect I deserve."

With that last line, my father shoves me away from him, takes my mom's hand and starts to walk out of the room.

"I am in love with someone else," I say loudly.

They both stop and only my mom turns around.

"Oh, Edward, how?" Her voice is shaky and I know she is about to cry. I hate making my mom cry. "I never thought you were someone who could do that to your wife."

I walk over and take her hands, "Mom, I didn't cheat on her while we were married. I would never do that to her, but I can't live like this any longer, don't you understand?"

She hugs me and whispers in my ear," I understand, baby, more than you know, but you made a decision you have to stick to. It is the right thing to do."

I close my eyes and feel the wetness slide down my cheek. It is agonizing to the point of pain, deep in my chest, that my mom will not go against the 'Cullen way'. Not even when her son's happiness is at stake.

My father's voice gets louder as he tries to make me do his bidding, "Edward, you will not divorce your wife for another woman! You will humiliate us all. Keep your fling on the side, I don't care, just be discreet, but divorce is not an option."

I let go of my mom and turn to him.

"The decision is made. I have already moved out and as soon as I finish here, I _will _move on, with or without your consent."

My dad's temper finally blows and he grabs me and shoves me to the ground. I refuse to fight my father, so I do nothing when his hand comes swinging down and slaps me across the face.

Any lingering fear I have of telling my dad about who I really am dissipates into a cloud of vapor. He has never laid a hand on me before and the fact that he just has shows me that he must truly feel like I am nothing more than an obligation. To him, I am just the product of a _sensible _marriage, someone he was duty-bound to mold into another version of him. It hurts me so much to know that I let him rule my existence for so long.

Maybe he does love me, in his own way, but he doesn't love me unconditionally, as a true father should.

My mother is crying in a corner and does nothing. She is just another one of his minions, someone who may have been strong before but is now as weak as I used to be. He has made her this way and she has let him. I will not let him continue to do it to me.

Standing up slowly, I wipe the blood from my mouth on my shirt sleeve, look at them both and let the words I have been aching to say spill out of my mouth.

"I am not in love with another woman. I am in love with the most wonderful man, who is worth one hundred of you." I look my dad in the eye and see the horror wash over his features.

"I was in love with him all through college and for you and my supposed responsibilities, I broke his heart and married Jessica. For you I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am going to get him back. He may not want me anymore, he may have moved on and found someone who deserves him, but if there is any hope that he still loves me, mark my words, we will be together again and I will never let him go."

My dad shakes his head, his lips curling in disgust. "A fucking homo? Is that what you are trying to tell me? You are a goddamn cocksucker? You shove your dick up another man's ass, you sick fuck?"

As his hateful words hit me one by one, I felt a piece of my heart seal shut. As strong as I think I am, knowing that my father could use language like that in reference to his only son tears my soul open all over again. My heart is pounding in my chest and my lungs are gulping in massive amounts of air as I try to calm myself.

The pain of knowing I am losing my family slowly begins to smother me. I can see my mother mouthing my name, but I can't hear her. My nose is running, my tears are flowing down my cheeks and I know I am making a fool of myself. As ready as I thought I was, nothing could have prepared me for the loss I am feeling as he continues to assault me with his bigoted views.

As I watch my mother reach for me and my father push her back, my rage comes boiling to the surface and I pull her to me.

"Don't you ever touch her like that again," I say to him in a steady voice that doesn't sound like my own. "She is your wife!"

"Shut up you little faggot," he sneers at me and takes her hand. "Get over here, Esme, unless you want him to give you that homo disease."

My mom willingly lets him pull her away and I feel my heart break a little more even though I knew she would do it. It is in her nature, she is a sheep, he is her master and she will always obey.

"So that's it? Just like that, your love for me is gone?" I ask them, trying not to cry, but the burn in my throat is too much. My emotions get the better of me and I let the sadness I feel run down my cheeks in wet trails.

"Get out of my house. You are nothing to us. Don't ever call or come again. Consider yourself fired." My father is apathetic when he tells me this and my mother just holds a hand over her mouth and cries.

I slowly walk out of the living room and look back at her saying, "I love you, mom."

She drops her hand and mouths, "I'm sorry."

I nod once in her direction and look at my dad. He is weak, hateful and as of this moment, dead to me.

"Goodbye Carlisle. Oh, and for the record, I am the one who takes it up the ass, not him."

I take small pleasure in seeing him pale in shock and I walk out the front door. I hold my head up high, get into my car and drive away without looking back. A few miles down the road, I pull over and wrap my arms around the steering wheel, crying one last time for the loss of the family I really never had to begin with.

* * *

A/N: As always, appreciate your thoughts...

And on a side note, I got to meet, shake hands with, hug and hold onto Tom Felton today...my life is complete...


	3. Freedom and Faith

**A/N: Thank you to BeCullen once again for buying my ass in FGB, this one shot has turned into so much more and I hope you feel like I am doing your prompt justice.**

**Thank you OnTheTurningAway for your superior skills at making me look like less of a third grader than I feel when I write sometimes…**

**Thanks to leo-draconis, who writes with me daily and teases me with yummy bits to keep me going, she is the best!**

**Also, the responses to the last chapter blew me away, thank you for making something difficult to do bearable.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything but a badass paper clip bracelet from venis-envy and Harry Potter silly bandz.**

* * *

Once I finally calm myself down and realize that losing my family is not the end of the world, I drive.

I drive towards the opposite coast, taking my time and thinking along the way.

As the scenery passes me, I wonder about what Jasper has been up to since I walked out on him. There is so little I actually know, that I have allowed myself to uncover these past few years. I have tried my best to allow him the privacy he deserves, but I did hire someone to let me know that he was at least okay and where he was living. It is one thing that has kept me going, the fact that I know he has at least survived and made a life for himself.

He deserves a happy life and that has been one of my greatest inner battles.

There is part of me that hopes he has forgotten all about the selfish bastard who broke his heart and he's found someone worthy and deserving of his love. The way Jasper loved me took my breath away daily. I always felt like I was the most precious thing in the world to him and I knew every second of every day that I was loved. His eyes would deepen to a smoldering blue every time he kissed me and I could _feel_ the power of his love and adoration for me with the faintest meeting of lips.

Those were the times I was truly happy and although I would never deem myself worthy to feel that way again, I hope and pray that I will.

Then, there is the self-centered part of me that hopes when I find him he has no one. The thought of Jasper running into my open arms is a ridiculous notion, but not having to deal with another man would be ideal.

I don't deserve for this to be easy on me, but the slight glimmer of faith that it won't be impossible keeps me going.

The roads are long and winding as I cross through each state, stopping at intermittent Starbucks along the way. I have spent the night at a few motels, but for only a few hours at a time. I am so anxious to get to where I need to be.

I have a destination in mind.

That destination is 6'1" with dirty blonde hair and eyes as mesmerizing as the ocean. Jasper Whitlock is my sun, moon and stars. He is the reason I take my next breath, the one thing that keeps my heart beating. Memories of Jasper warm my soul and bring me to my knees. If true love knows no bounds and there is even a tiny sliver of love for me left in his heart, I know that all of this is worth it.

When I finally reach the sleepy little town on the coast of Maine, apprehension sets in and I wonder if I have made a big mistake. But there is no turning back, what's done is done and I know deep down that even if Jasper rejects a life with me, at least I am finally free to live my own life.

I only hope that if he has no room for me in his heart, that mine will recover enough to open up for someone one day in the future.

My stomach revolts at the thought of ever say _I love you_ to anyone but Jasper and if I am being honest with myself, I probably never will.

My GPS directs me to the house I am going to rent and I pull out the envelope with the keys that the realtor mailed me last week when I knew for certain where Jasper has been living. It is a little cottage, perfect for what I plan to do and not far from the ocean. I turn off the car and roll down the window.

It is peaceful, quiet and the roaring of the waves can be heard faintly in the distance. Closing my eyes, I imagine living here forever with Jasper by my side; holding hands as we walk through the main part of town, going from shop to shop, dining on seafood and making love in front of the fire on cold, snowy nights. Our life will be perfect, like it always should have been, providing that I am lucky enough to even be graced with his friendship, much less his affection and adoration.

It only seems like a few minutes, but I know it has been a few hours since I arrived. I am lost in thought, conjuring up in my mind every good and bad scenario that is possible in my future. Gathering the few bags I brought, I go inside the furnished house, place the only picture of me and Jasper on the mantle and crawl into bed and pass out.

The next few weeks are some of the hardest of my life.

I want so badly to go directly to Jasper, throw myself at his feet and beg for forgiveness I don't deserve.

But I don't.

There are some things I have to do first.

Staying under the radar in a town like this is next to impossible. The few times I have actually ventured out for groceries, I have made an extended trip to a store a few villages over. As much as I am dying to see Jasper, I know that patience will be my best friend in the long run. It will ensure that Jasper's rejection won't break me, that I will from be my own person from here on out.

I will no longer be Carlisle and Esme's son.

No one will refer to me as Jessica's husband.

The title of dutiful son will no longer apply to me.

Pretending to be a straight man is now a thing of the past.

And as much as I long to be the man that is blessed enough to call Jasper my own, if I don't have that, it will not define me.

I will be a completely open homosexual male who made a mess of his life, but who is trying his hardest to right the wrongs.

I may be alone for the time being, but I no longer doubt who I truly am. The fear I have always felt is no longer present and if anyone has anything to say about it, I will hold my head up and be proud.

The feeling of being genuinely free is staggering in itself. My heart and mind keep trying to bury all the feelings of elation coursing through my body, as they are so foreign to who I have been for so long. But I don't let them. I rejoice in the knowledge that no one will ever again tell me what to do and I feel as though I have to obey.

After the first few weeks settle down, I finally do one of the two things I came here for.

Looking at the laptop which has remained dormant this entire time, I turn it on, sit down, open up a document and begin to write.

This is what I have always wanted to do with my life. I hope to share the stories inside my head with the world, that the characters and prose I create are enough to engage an audience and that I will somehow be able to make a living as a published author.

It is one of those fantasies that my father buried with a few choice words about duty and honor and family mergers.

He is no longer at the helm of my life and the words pour out of me.

My mind is filled with stories of love and hardships and the ability to conquer even the direst of circumstances, because in Edward Cullen's world, true love _will _prevail.

Even against utter stupidity and ultimate betrayals.

My pathetic hope that my life will be parallel to my characters fuels the fire to bring them to life on my screen. Keystroke after keystroke, as bitter tears of recrimination fall from my eyes, the pages fill with the amazing gift of forgiveness and ability to forget and move on to a new life where everything may not be sunshine, but where love is strong enough to weather any storm.

On the day that marks three months since I pulled into the driveway of the cottage in Phippsburg, Maine, I type 'fin' and close the document for the final time with a smile on my face. I have already done the research and have a publishing company lined up to send it to and then all I can do is wait for an answer.

Getting up, I throw on my shoes and head out the door to continue the daily jogging habit I started the day I began to write. When I am in front of my computer, all that is in my head is the story. When I am running on the open road, I only think of Jasper.

My goal was to finish the story, to accomplish that goal first and then tackle the hardest and most terrifying one on the list.

It was time to find Jasper, face him and tell him how horribly wrong I was and beg for forgiveness.

The next day, I type all the needed form letters, synopsis and make sure everything is arranged in proper order, attach it in an email and hit send. For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I am flying ahead to something positive and fulfilling.

Today is the day.

As I realize that I may actually see Jasper in the flesh, a wave of nausea hits me and I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach.

I have never truly known terror until this moment.

How he reacts will make or break the future I have sewn up in my head. I know I can exist without him, but I will not truly be whole unless he is in my arms, in my heart, in my life for eternity.

Once my stomach stops heaving, I brush my teeth thoroughly and take a blistering hot shower. After emptying most of my closet onto my bed, I finally decide to wear what Jasper used to love the most, jeans and a band tee shirt. I slip my feet into leather flip flops, try not to imagine the mess that my hair must be on top of my head, slide on my sunglasses and head to the coffee shop I know he runs.

I have been so strong. I have stayed away even though it has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but I know it has been for the best.

If I had seen Jasper, there is no doubt I would have thrown my plan out the window and thrown myself at his feet.

Pulling up to a business about five doors down, I get out of the car and try to quell my shaking hands. My body is now covered in a cold sweat and I am on the verge of hyperventilating. I lean my head on the hood of the car and take in deep breaths until I have calmed down.

Knowing that it is only my own fear holding me back, I stand straight and walk bravely towards the sign that says "J and J's Lattes". When I am close to the door, I watch the steady stream of people walking in and out, realizing that he must get a decent rush at lunch time. I sit down on the bench next door and wait a little bit, this is definitely not something I want to do when he doesn't even have a chance to breathe.

After a good hour has passed and the sun has reddened the skin of my arms and cheeks, I get up and walk over. I can not put it off anymore.

Pushing the glasses into my hair, I open the door and look around.

Jasper is nowhere to be found and the disappointment is crushing. I have prepared myself over and over again for every scenario, but not once did I imagine he wouldn't be here. I sit down at a table in the corner and put my head in my hands. The minutes pass and I hear the patrons talking and laughing around me, it is unsettling that they should be so happy when I am about to fall apart.

And then...

My heart falls to the ground when I hear his laugh ring out over the crowd.

Like lightning, my head snaps up and all the oxygen leaves my body in a loud gasp.

He is fucking beautiful, his head thrown back, tendons straining with laughter on his smooth, tan throat. My heart is racing, I am surprised no one can hear it. Jasper's hair is as wonderful as I remember, longer, but still a mass of tousled wheat on his perfect face. He is lean and muscled and I whimper at the memory of mapping his entire body with my lips, teeth and tongue.

My arms ache with the need to wrap themselves around him, hold him to my body and never let go. This is how I wish I could have remembered him, happy and smiling, eyes twinkling, not broken and crying in front of a window.

Fire and desire shoot through my entire body, warming me from the inside out as I take my fill of observing him unnoticed.

The blaze is immediately extinguished as I watch a tall, native American man walk up behind him, wrap his arms around Jasper's waist and peck his cheek before walking to the back room. Although I know it was a possibility, seeing it in real life is debilitating. The knife has been plunged and is twisting into the chambers of my heart, slowly killing me as I watch Jasper's eyes follow the man's back.

The gasping sob I let out must be louder louder than I thought, because his head turns towards me and his steely blue eyes bore into me before widening. The stack of cups he is holding falls out of his hand, crashing to the floor in pieces, mimicking the shards of my tattered heart. Jasper grabs the material over his heart and his mouth makes a small "o" before he whispers, "Edward."

I slowly walk up to the counter just as the man who kissed him comes running from the back.

"Jasper," I say softly.

"How...what...why...oh god," he gasps as he backs into the solid body behind him.

"Jasper, what's going on?" the man asks, looking at me with narrowed eyes and pulling Jasper against him.

Jasper shakes his head and looks at me, his eyes a cold veil of ice, lips thinly pressed together.

"Nothing, Jake," he says, never taking his eyes off me. "This gentleman reminded me of someone I used to know for a second and I dropped what I was holding, no biggie."

Jake leans down and begins to pick up the pieces of glass on the floor and I just stare at the beautiful creature before me who is telling with his words and eyes that there is no longer a place for me.

"Now, sir, I apologize for that. If there is nothing I can get you, I think it is best if you are on your way."

In other words, _get the fuck out of here and don't come back._

The moisture blinds my eyes and an imminent breakdown threatens to burst from my chest. The room starts to spin around me and I know I have to get out of here. I mumble my apologies and turn for the door, unable to see through the tears obscuring the view.

The very last string that is carefully holding together the broken fragments of my heart snaps as the door closes behind me and I take off at a dead run, choking on my sobs until my legs can carry me no further and I collapse in the surrounding trees. Crying for everything I have loved and lost, breaking all over again as I remember the look of pure disdain on Jasper's face when he dismissed me. I lay there until the sun sets and slowly begins to rise again, not caring about the cold or the elements, just hoping that God deemed this punishment enough and that He will have enough mercy on me to allow me to live a fulfilling life without Jasper by my side.

* * *

**Your thoughts are always appreciated and the next update should be next week, but we shall see, I don't want to leave you hanging too long, but I hope you all didn't think Jasper was just going to welcome him with open arms. Would you?**

**I have OnTheTurningAway and TuesdayMidnight coming to stay for the long weekend and we are going to go visit AHizelm and Coolbreeeze! IT IS GONNA BE A BLAST!**


	4. The Flicker of a Flame

**A/N: Here is the next installment for these boys. Thank you so much to BeCullen for buying me and giving these boys a chance.**

**Thank you to OnTheTurningAway for fixing my messes, I love you more than ever!**

**Thank you to Zigster for talking it out with me and FarDareisMai2 for telling me I was on the right path.**

**Thank you all for reading and reviewing! I know I have been fail at updating, but the holidays are freaking crazy at my house.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing...SM makes all the money from the names used here.**

* * *

I lay in the woods until well into mid-morning of the following day. I have cried until there is nothing left inside of me. The dead leaves are crunching as my fingers trail through them, crushing a few along their path. The minute fragments surround me, like tiny remnants of the dreams I have been holding onto, destroyed with a few simple words from Jasper's mouth.

It is almost too painful to think about the look in his eye when he bid me to leave in his own way.

Had I been on the flip side of the coin, I don't think I would have had the heart to send Jasper away without listening to a word he had to say.

But then, Jasper has always been a stronger man than me.

He loves me, or at least he truly did, so it must not have been an easy thing to do, sending me away as if I were just a stranger to him, but he pulled it off flawlessly.

To him, I am now nothing He spoke to me with little more regard than a customer, even _they_ probably get warmer greetings than I did.

The ache in my heart is tremendous, wide and gaping. It will be a long time before it is healed and ready to attempt allowing anyone else in.

When hunger and thirst finally get the best of me, I get up from my bed on the damp ground and slowly walk back to where I left my car.

It is just before lunch when I make it to the main street in town and I see the sign for the coffee shop, Jasper's shop.

_Not just Jasper, you idiot, let's not forget the man whose initial accompanies Jasper's on that sign._

I grab onto my stomach, feeling as if the wind has been knocked out of me when my mind flashes back to the kiss they shared in front of me. It was so innocent, so sweet, so familiar. They have a history, a relationship and a future. Jasper obviously feels like they have a forever, he did go into business with him.

This Jake, the one who has my love's heart now, stepped into my life. He has my man, lives in a quaint little town and gets to freely express his love for Jasper without fear or cowardice. It's so unfair, so gut-wrenching.

It is everything that Jasper deserves and more.

Why do I feel that I have the right to step in and take it all away?

That is the thought that plagues me as I get into my car and drive off with the sign fading into the distance.

I know the answer.

Because in my heart, I know that Jasper and I belong together and until he tells me that he doesn't love me anymore, I am not giving up. Now I need sleep, so I can figure out what my next move is with a clear head.

The next few days are agonizing, all I want to do is see him again. There is a voice in the back of my head nattering on, feeding me ideas, telling me that it was all a mistake. Jasper was just in shock and now that he has had time to think about it, he wants to see me. But I know if this is true, he would be on my front porch. It isn't hard to find out where I live, it is a small town after all.

It is on the third day, when I open up my email to a tentative acceptance on the novel I sent in, that things start to look up. For the first time since I saw Jasper, there is a smile on my face and I decide one thing.

Screw it!

Screw right and wrong, screw waiting for Jasper and screw Jake. There is only one way I am ever going to get back what I lost, I need to go after it. It is almost unfair to Jasper, that I have come back to disrupt his life, but if he feels at all like I feel, in the long run, it will all be okay. He deserves to be loved, cherished, adored and the center of someone's world and I want to be the one to do that for him. Jake may think he loves Jasper and Jasper may believe he loves him back, but there is just no way.

We all have one soul mate out there and no one should settle for second best.

That is what they are doing with each other, it _has_ to be. Otherwise, what Jasper felt for me was all in my head. If he thinks Jake is the love of his life, then it will be I who then settles for second best. But after what I felt with Jasper, I don't know that I can ever do that.

I decide to head over to the coffee shop and wait.

For what, I don't yet know. I may get there and get thrown out on my ass by Jasper's boyf... No! I refuse to think of him in those terms, by Jasper's business partner.

Jasper could tell me to go away and never come back, but I won't. I never will. Until I hear the words, "Edward, I don't love you anymore," out of his mouth, I am going to keep trying to get him listen to me. I hope he will let me explain why I did what I did and why I decided to leave it all behind. It doesn't matter to me how many days it takes, how long I have to keep trying, how many times he pushes me away; I won't quit.

Until he says those dreaded words, I will keep trying to show him how much he means to me and make him understand that he is the other half of me.

Even though I am prepared to handle whatever he throws at me, my heart is still thundering and my palms are sweating as I make the short drive to his shop. I pull up to the same spot as I did before, then decide to move. I do not want to repeat much of the last time I was here, it didn't bode well for me. When I walk up the path to his shop, I smile and prepare myself for the battle ahead.

It is obvious Jasper isn't going to just surrender to me and I am going to have to work hard to make him see we belong together. Thinking about what our life can be now, there is no keeping the grin off my face. We are going to be so happy, we have to be, if I can make him see reason.

Stepping into the cafe is like a slap to the face. Jasper and Jake are standing behind the counter. Jake is whispering in Jasper's ear and Jasper is smiling and rolling his eyes. It is an expression I know all too well. He looks up just as I take a seat at the table nearest to the door and the beautiful smile that has always lit up my world falls from his face. His eyes narrow and I see the storm clouds brewing behind the calm, blue waters.

I grab the menu off the table and block my face, taking deep breaths as my heart beats out of control. I close my eyes as wave after dizzying wave engulfs me. All the confidence I had walking in here has dissipated and I feel my soul shatter all over again at the way he looks at me compared to the way he looks at Jake.

It's so unfair but I know I did it to myself. I just feel after all I have been through that something should have happened a little easier for me, but Jasper is not going to be that thing.

My knee is bouncing under the table and I wonder if I should stay or go, maybe his work place is not the best place to talk to him. Then I remember, it is the only place we _can_ do this, I have no idea where he lives and I refuse to go the home he ostensibly shares with another man. My eyes stare at the words in the menu, registering nothing but the fact that Jasper is in the same room as I am and all I want is to look at him.

I don't know how much time passes before a shadow looms over me and I don't even have to lift my eyes to know it is Jasper. I can feel him, smell him. Goosebumps erupt all over my skin as I wait for him to speak. I can almost hear the maniacal cadence thundering behind my rib cage as I bite hard into my lower lip to keep from jumping up, grabbing him in my arms and running out the door.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

I freeze, his words bringing the familiar sting to my eyes. I look down at the table top before carefully folding the menu and laying it down. Jasper is standing in front of me, his shaking fingers over the order pad the only indication that he is just as affected as I am.

"I had to see you," I tell him. It is the truth.

Jasper's mouth trembles slightly, eyes flood with emotion that he is blinking back and I know he is hurting just as bad, if not worse, than I am. He glances over to the tall man behind the counter, looking at us both with an odd expression on his face, and nods his head once before looking down at me.

"I want you to go," he whispers as a lone tear escapes from his eyes. He wipes it quickly.

Staring intently into the face that has been burned in my memory since the I walked out I say, "I can't."

Jasper swallows once, a shiver passes through his body and he walks away. My eyes stay on him until he walks through the door to the back room and Jake follows, but not before sending me a death glare.

Getting up from the table, I make my way hastily to the bathroom, lock the door and press my forehead into the cool tile of the wall. The anguish of being this close to him and not being able to even touch him has made me feel worse than I have in months. I splash my face with water and open the door.

I sit back down at my table and not ten minutes later Jasper's partner, or whatever the hell he is, comes up to me.

"What do you want?" he asks, his voice laden with contempt and pen over the pad.

"Coffee, black," I answer.

He turns on his heel and is back in less than a minute, setting the mug down in front of me.

"He doesn't want you here," he tells me.

I look up at the man. "Last time I checked you were open to the public and I am doing nothing wrong."

"Why now?" he growls. "Why show up when he finally has his life back and is happy?"

Those are questions I refuse to answer unless Jasper asks them.

I look up at Jake, whose obsidian eyes are cool yet simmering with rage.

"Is he really happy?" I ask, watching the muscle tick in his cheek.

Jake turns and walks away towards the counter where I can see Jasper has been watching the exchange. I drink my coffee slowly and Jake begrudgingly comes to refill it every time I finish. I sit in the cafe until it is closing time. I guess in small towns, people don't drink java after 7:00 PM or they enjoy it at home.

Jasper finally comes back over and says, "Edward, you need to leave now."

"I want to talk to you," I tell him.

"We have nothing to say that wasn't already said. Please, leave me alone."

"Please, Jasper, just give me a chance. All I want is a few minutes alone."

"Fuck you, Edward," he hisses through clenched teeth. "You had your chance."

"I know," I say, cringing at the language he used. "Just ten minutes and then after that if you want me to leave, I will, I won't come back."

"And if I refuse?" he says, pulling carelessly at the long, blond locks.

"I will keep coming back," I say. "I have nothing else to lose."

His eyes look down at my ring finger and then flash back up to mine. A million questions are on the tip of his tongue but I nod my head in answer to the only one that matters. After all this time, I still know what he is trying to say without the words to back it up.

Jasper leaves the table and walks over to Jake. They are arguing quietly, I can tell, and then Jacob tears off his apron, throws it over the counter before yanking Jasper against him and talking softly into his ear. He kisses him once on the cheek and storms out the door. I look away, acting like I didn't see anything until I hear the flip of the lock on the front door. It startles me and I jump slightly in my chair.

Jasper is standing by the door, quiet, but his face is anything but calm. I have loved him for nearly a decade, I know his faces and he is just as apprehensive as I am. He rests his head against the door and closes his eyes. My eyes follow the slender line of his throat, remembering how his pulse felt under my tongue, against my lips as I tasted his salty skin. His neck was always damp when I kissed it. Jasper is so passionate, so responsive and he burned hot under my touch.

It is stunning to watch him fall apart and I yearn to see that expression on his face again. I want him to go to that place where he lets everything go, screaming he loves me as he presses his mouth to mine and comes inside of me. My throat burns as I swallow back the emotions, pushing the image to the back of my mind where it has been locked away. I only pull it out when I need him the most.

Jasper's voice breaks through my reverie.

"You promised," he says softly. "You made us both promise not to contact one another after you left."

I can not say a word, he is right and I am at a loss.

"Why now? Why come at all?"

"I had to see you, to talk to you, to explain..."

"Explain what?" he snaps. "How you fucking left me while I watched the clock, waiting for you to come back? How you chose to marry someone else when you said you loved me? How I spent months praying for my life to just end because without you it wasn't worth living and you went on to have a happy, married life? What, you fucker?"

I am slowly backing up until I feel a wall behind me and slump down to the floor. My head drops to my knees and I let the tears flow. There is no holding them back now that he is in front of me, talking to me, even in anger. Knowing he wished for his own death breaks my spirit in ways that it hadn't hurt since I left him.

Jasper walks over to me, pulls my hands away from my face and yells, "You don't get to hide, Edward. You want to talk, so talk. Tell me what is so important that you have to come disrupt my life to tell me. What is so imperative that you feel it necessary to break me all over again? What!"

He is huffing and his fingers are digging painfully into my wrist and I pull him towards me and he crouches in front of me.

"I love you," I whisper. "That is what I came to tell you."

Jasper grips me tighter before letting go altogether. He looks like he is on the verge of crying too. He stands up and walks toward the back room. I scramble to get on my feet, knowing I just screwed it all up.

"Don't follow me your heartless bastard," he hisses, throwing me a venomous look before walking through the swinging door.

I push through it, not heeding his order, needing him to understand.

"I am not heartless, Jasper. I have a heart, albeit a broken one, but it is there, it has known love."

I hear his breath catch as he leans over the counter.

I walk up behind him slowly, "It still does."

Jasper snorts then turns around to face me, his eyes rimmed in red.

"You never loved me, there is no way." His voice is incredulous, eyes wild, body agitated. "If you loved me, how did you walk away? If you loved me nearly as much as I loved you, you never would have been able to walk away from me."

Jasper's voice breaks on the last word and it is more than I can bear. I walk over to him, pull him into my arms and hug him with everything I am.

"It was the hardest thing I ever did," I confess, taking in the scent of his hair. Jasper is rigid in my arms, I can feel him ready to pull away from me. I hold him tighter and whisper in his ear," It was harder then walking away from my wife, my home and my job. Most of all though, it was harder then telling my father I am gay and in love with someone who is not my wife."

I shudder against his warmth as I remember the hateful words my father said to me before I left the house.

"What?" Jasper says softly. "You did what?"

He slowly pulls himself from my embrace, looking at me with trepidation.

"I did it, for you."

Jasper squeezes his eyes, letting the words sink in. He wipes furiously at the tears running down his face, turning so I don't see.

I never wanted to make him cry, his beautiful face was made to smile. I want to see him smile at me like he used to when we were happy. When love was enough.

"No," he mumbles, shaking his head. "No!" His voice is strong and echoes in the room.

"It's too late for this, Edward. You made your choice when you walked away. You made me a promise."

Jasper walks right up to me, pulls me close and whispers in my ear, "Keep it."

When he goes to step back I pull him closer, "I can't."

His eyes close and he frowns. His mouth is smooth, sad and I want to taste him so badly. I need to see if his lips on mine can restart my failing heart. He holds my life in his hands and he doesn't yet realize it.

Just as I am about to touch my mouth to his he murmurs, "Why?"

"I love you," I breathe.

"You don't know what love is."

"Yes I do, love is you," I tell him, desperate for him to see that my feelings have never changed.

"You don't know love, Edward. All you know is this." Jasper closes the distance between us for one glorious moment I see the light explode behind my eyes. He joins our lips and I feel the shock to my body as my heart slowly begins to beat again. The love I have kept buried deep inside bursts forth in a loud moan from my mouth that echoes inside of his. Our mouths are open, waiting, and I am afraid to take it any further.

I feel Jasper's fingers move down my arms and twine with mine as his silky, hot tongue slides slowly over mine. It is all too much, to feel him like this against me again and I hold on for dear life as I kiss him back. The meeting of mouths is raw, angry, biting and Jasper's teeth sink into my bottom lip, causing me to cry out before he tears his mouth away.

Jasper turns me quickly, bending me over the counter and holy hell, I can feel his erection nestled in the cleft of my ass. Jasper grasps me by the hair and yanks my head back, sucking hard on my throat.

"Oh, fuck," I whimper.

"No," he says, licking my throat where he just bruised me. "No fucking, Edward."

"Jasper," I gasp, when I feel his hand slide down the front of my pants, squeezing my cock almost painfully.

"Is this what you wanted?" He growls in my ear. "For me to see you and lose control?"

"No," I rasp, pushing myself into his hand, begging with each slight thrust of my hips for more.

"You aren't worth it, Edward." His hand is moving furiously along my shaft as he pushes his cock against me over and over.

"You aren't worth the upset, you aren't worth my tears." I can feel the wetness of his cheek against my neck and he is right, I am not worth the tears.

"But most of all," he is rubbing up against me harder, his hand working me with the knowledge only an intimate lover would. "You aren't worthy of my love."

Hearing 'my love' come from was mouth is all it takes for me to let go, covering his hand with warm stickiness as I screamed his name.

"Shut up," he hisses, shoving his fingers into my mouth. The taste of myself on him is a combination I never thought I would have again and my eyes roll back in my head as I suck hard on his fingers.

"You don't get to say my name, not now," he grunts, his hips grinding into me in wild succession. "Fuck," he sighs as I felt him spasm against me, his teeth biting into my shoulder.

I imagine what his face must look like as he lets himself come and my knees falter beneath me. The entire situation hits me and I finally have a little more than hope. Jasper still loves me, still wants me and when I feel the weight of his body as he leans over me, I am almost happy, imagining that this is enough.

Slowly, our breathing returns to normal and Jasper's body is shaking slightly against mine. The choking sob that escapes him gives him away. When I try to turn, he stops me, his hands tucking me back into my pants.

Jasper lets me go and turns away, facing the opposite wall.

"Get the fuck out," he says, his voice deadly calm before he sniffs back more tears.

"What?" I feel the room closing in on me, I am dizzy, trying to make sense of his words and losing my battle with pride. "But we just..."

"What we did was a mistake."

"Jasper, no! I love you, I need you, please don't do this to me, to us," I beg, desperate and grasping at straws.

"There is no us, not anymore, you ruined that when you walked out of my life with only a kiss to say goodbye. This changes nothing, all it means is that you never should have come back because now to add to all the other things you have made me feel, I can now say shame is on that list."

Jasper goes out to the front, saying, "Go out the back door and please stay away from me," as he walks through the swinging door.

The drying slickness on my hand is the only evidence left that we have touched, have felt the fire once again. I wash my hands in the sink, feeling the flame flicker and dissipate. It has been extinguished tonight, I do not have the strength to keep it burning anymore. Jasper took it when he walked away.

This is it, it is over.

Jake won, he gets to keep my prince and I am left with nothing but another memory to bury. I would do that later. As I leave the cafe, I decide I will hold on to this memory for one more night, cry one last time for the man who will never love me again and then figure out how to live my life without Jasper.

It is a grim prospect, but it is no longer my choice to make.

It is done, Jasper does not love me or need me and I am, and will eternally be, devastated and hate myself for not holding on when I had the chance.

* * *

**A/N: As always, your words are appreciated...and don't hurt me.**


	5. Against All Odds

**A/N: Thank you once again BeCullen for buying me and letting me tell a story beyond the tragedy that was the original one-shot for these boys. You are amazing.**

**Thank you OnTheTurningAway for fixing my grammar shit, you are the best friend and ficwife ever!**

**

* * *

**

The screen on my computer has been on the same page for several days. I know I need to do it, but I just can't make myself pick up the phone and dial the numbers.

Once I make that call, then it will be the final nail in the coffin of the _Edward lost Jasper_ saga and I don't know if I am ready to taste the defeat. A part of my life will feel over and even though I have technically lost it, selling the house and moving will make it all real.

So I just stare at the name of the realtor who sold me the house, then finally, shut the screen and go for another run. It is all I seem to do. Run, stare at a computer, listen to the gentle noise of nature through my open windows and think of Jasper.

More often than not, Jasper is foremost in every thought. The feel of his body against mine, the flavor of his tongue in my mouth and most of all, his final rejection of my love. It is painful and horrifyingly sobering to feel as though a part of you has been ripped out and left to bleed in your wake.

As I thunder past all the houses on this quiet street, I am thankful for the music invading my mind from the buds in my ears. Having made the mistake the day before of running without them, I had a breakdown on the side of the road after being left alone with my thoughts. I really needed to figure out what to do, but now wasn't the time. Part of me was plenty happy to wallow in self pity for a few more days.

I run for what seems like hours, taking but a moment each few miles to allow my body a well-deserved break which includes a few precious swallows from the bottle in my hand. The point where I usually turn back is up ahead, the dilapidated remains of the lone dead tree in an abundance of life calls to me every time.

It never ceases to amuse me, the fact that the tree and I are so similar. As the world continues to thrive and prosper around me, I slowly whither up and die a little more every day. Pretty soon I will be but a shell, a soulless individual walking around in a body. As much as I try to avoid this very scenario, I can feel it closing in on me and I have yet to make myself run the other direction and live.

Pain spasms through my thighs as I push myself that last little bit, promising my aching legs a reprieve from the abuse for at leas a half an hour. That is the final part of my indulgence, commiserating with the tree, wondering where we went wrong. Make no mistake, I know where my fault lies, it is wholly within myself, but it still feels healing to have a conversation with something that can't tell me I'm too late.

As I round the bend, I see the branches ahead and push myself to the maximum. Stride for stride I run for the tree and then, in the blink of an eye, I trip and fall to the ground.

There, sitting at the foot of the tree, watching me from his head perched on his arms around his knees, is Jasper.

I know I need to get up, but the shock of seeing him sitting there caused me to lose my footing and plunge to the earth below me. Thank goodness the grass is soft in the thicket of trees and he hasn't chosen to sit somewhere along the road. My skin would be a little worse for wear if that were the case.

Rolling to a sitting position, I watch him as I brush the dirt from my legs. It is useless, I am so sweaty that I am making myself a bigger mess. At the moment, I don't know what to do, so I take a clue from Jasper and sit there, facing him and stare.

His eyes never leave me and even though we are separated by a good twenty feet, I can see the unrest in his stormy eyes. Jasper is gripping his legs tightly, imperceptibly rocking. My heart aches with the knowledge that I know this defense mechanism, he used it often in the days leading up to the wedding. When he saw what he feared the most transpiring, he would always do this.

Jasper is terrified to be here.

That thought is unnerving but at the same time, the tiny pilot light in my heart that refuses to be blown out warms me. There is a reason he is here, but I am trying not to get my hopes up. Jasper may just need closure, or to ask me to leave once again, I don't know and I am almost anxious to find out.

But, for now, I am content to look at him. I take in every visible part of him my eyes can see and just savor being in his presence. Jasper is everything and although I might have to let go, I refuse to be the one to break the silence.

The minutes tick by, and soon there are more that pass than I can keep track of. My legs are cramped from sitting, but I don't dare move. Our eyes, aside from the occasional blink, haven't wavered from each other. I am afraid if I even move slightly that the spell will be broken, he will be gone and I won't know why he is here.

So I wait.

As the sun begins to move higher into the sky, allowing the trees to shade us, I know a few hours have passed. The sweat has cooled on my body and I feel disgusting. My whole body has fallen asleep and I have actually extended my legs in front of me.

Jasper remains rooted to my spot in front of the tree.

When I begin to wonder if we are going to spend the evening out here, because the sun is starting to move behind the trees, I hear his voice.

"Edward?" His broken voice calls to me and I wonder if it is from non-use or if he has been crying.

"Yes?" I whisper, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Why?" he rasped. "Why couldn't you leave me alone? What did I do to deserve this?"

Jasper's voice is full of hurt and his words are not coming out clearly and unfortunately, experience tells me he has in fact been crying. And I hate myself for being the cause.

"I had to come back, Jasper. There was no choice in the matter."

"You always have a choice," he says bitterly.

"You're right, I do and I choose you."

"Fuck you!" he yells, finally standing. I hastily get up as well.

"You didn't choose me, you bastard. You chose her! You married her, you fucked her and I hate you for it. Do you hear me, Edward? I hate you!"

Every word slashes at me like the sharp edge of a knife. There is nothing I can say that will make the fact that I walked away any better.

Taking a deep breath, I look up at him, he is so tense. Seething, his hands are shaking at his sides and I stop myself from running to him and holding him against me and never letting go.

"You have every right to hate me. I did exactly that, I was a coward, Jasper. I didn't have enough faith in me and you. If I did, I would have run far away with you by my side and never looked back."

"But you didn't."

"No," I said softly. "I didn't. I listened to my father and felt that I owed them my soul for giving me life. I can't explain it easily, but I really felt that my family would fall apart if I didn't play the role I was born into and I couldn't let that happen to them."

Jasper snorts, giving me a scathing glare but says nothing.

"But in all the madness that was a wedding and ensuing life built on a lie, there was never, ever a day that I didn't think about you to help me make it through."

I take a step closer to where he stands.

"You are the only person I have ever loved, Jasper. The only one I will ever love and that is never going to change."

"God, Edward," he says angrily, shoving his fingers through his hair. "What do you want me to do? Throw myself at your feet and thank my lucky stars that you came back to me? What?"

Jasper's jaw is clenched and I can see the war going on within himself. He is pacing back and forth in front of the tree. There is an angry flush along his jaw and neck and purple shadows rest under his eyes. He is wild, anxious. He is still beautiful to me.

"You know, I have watched you run by my house every day this week. Seen the look of utter despair on your face and it has taken all my strength not to run out to you and tell you to come in. That we would figure it out. But what kind of man would that make me?"

"A man who still loves me?" I ask, hoping for a miracle.

"You presume too much, Edward and it would only make me weak. Like I was before, I mean fuck! I was with you for all those years and no one but us knew it. Why did I do that to myself? It wasn't fair to me, yet I did it, for you. I was pathetic and I won't be that way anymore. I would rather be alone forever than feel the way the way I did when you walked away from me."

"You weren't the coward, love, I was," I whisper. The silent tears I have tried to keep at bay finally escape and it feels like there is a rubber band around my chest tightening as I listen to his pain that I caused.

"You made love to me and the next day," he grabs at the material over his chest, squeezing his eyes closed as he tries to get the next words out. "You...you..."

There was nothing that could keep me away anymore, I ran over to him and pulled him against me, holding as tight as I could.

"Don't say it, Jasper," I whisper into his ear. "Don't."

I feel him tremble in my embrace and he allows me to hold him for a moment before he stiffens and steps out of my arms. I don't do anything to make him stay.

"You made love to her."

His words sound hollow and so final and the rubber band snaps. I take a deep breath and feel like I am going to throw up. If thinking about having sex with her makes me feel this bad I can not imagine what Jasper must feel.

"I have only ever made love to you," I tell him fervently.

"You never slept with your wife?" he scoffs.

"I have had sex with her, yes. But goddammit, Jasper, I have only ever made love to you."

I moved to stand in front of him.

"I know the difference, I know it because of you. What we did together with our bodies was amazing, Jasper. The feeling I have inside when I think about your hands on my skin, your mouth on mine, your body moving inside me..."

Jasper slams a hand over my mouth. "Shut up!"

I take his wrist in my hand and pull it down.

"The look on your face when you look at me as you make love to m..."

Jasper slams his mouth to mine, punishing me for the memories. His teeth bite and gnash and I relish the pain. At least he still feels something.

I go limp in his arms and take the assault on my mouth. He keeps giving me kiss after bruising kiss and when I open my mouth, his tongue slides in and I melt. My arms wrap around his waist and I cling to him for life.

Because that is what he is.

My life.

Our kisses slow down and eventually we both sink to the ground, wrapped up in each other. I move to lean against the tree and hold him tightly, kissing the top of his head as he falls apart in my arms.

I soak up all the tears and words and agony pouring forth from his body and whisper over and over how sorry I am and how much I love him.

My own torment falls from my eyes into the honey-wheat hair I am carding through my fingers. If I had only been stronger, we wouldn't be sitting here. We would have been together this whole time. My body wouldn't be tainted by someone else, it would still be only his.

Jasper finally falls asleep and I treasure every second I get to feel him against me, his weight filling me with longing to be able to do this every day. It isn't going to be that easy, but he's here.

And that is more than I could have asked for when I left this morning.

When the moon is high over head, Jasper stirs. I kiss him once more on the head before he pulls away. He turns to look at me, taking my face in his hands and kissing me gently.

"I can't give you what you want," he says quietly.

"I know, you have Jake," I say, my voice tight with the torment that assails me at my own words.

"That's not it, Edward. We are just friends, but that doesn't change anything."

Elation floods my senses and I implore him with my eyes.

"What? Why? We can't even try?" I ask, unable to comprehend what is stopping us.

"Edward, you broke me," he rasps, looking down at the ground. "I just...I don't..."

Jasper raises his eyes to mine and they are hollow and emotionless. It's terrifying.

"I don't think I can love anymore, that part of me is gone and I don't think I can get it back. When you walked away, you took it and killed it. I have resigned myself to the fact that I have loved and lost and there isn't a way to undo that and if there is, I don't think I want to ever make myself that vulnerable again. I wouldn't survive."

I am trying so hard to calm myself as I feel the need to hyperventilate coming. Jasper's words have laid me bare and I want to hold him and shake him and tell him he can love and I can show him, but I am a monster. A demon of the worst kind. I have taken the most wonderful, loving and generous person I know and turned him into this...this broken man who thinks he is unable or unwilling to have love in his life.

I hug him tightly, "You can, I have enough love for both of us. We can learn together, we just need each other, it's all we have ever needed."

He laughs into my chest.

"There is nothing you can do, Edward. I am not willing to take that chance. It's not worth it, you'll just walk away again when things get tough."

"I won't," I plead, trying to get him to understand. "I am not going anywhere, I can't survive where you aren't, don't you get that?"

"You've done it before," he says bitterly, his voice muffled by shirt.

"I know, it didn't work. There is nothing I can ever do that will make up for it, I know that. I'm not stupid enough to believe that you will just forgive me and things will go back to how they were."

Jasper sits back and says, "The way they were was wrong, Edward."

"Yes," I tell him. "But our love was right."

"Our love was a secret and loving you nearly ended my life."

I take his hand in mine, running my hands over the smooth skin that I have thought about day in and day out. These hands have held me at my best and worst.

"It won't be that way again. I will do what I should have done the first time. There will be no one around that won't know that I love you. Wherever we are, I will hold your hand in mine and tell you with every word and action that you are the only one for me. You will never doubt the way I feel again, just give me a chance."

His fingers slide through mine, leaving me aching for his touch.

"I don't trust you," he whispers as fingers continue to move over my hand.

"I'll earn it, I'll do anything you ask to prove that I am here for the rest of our lives."

Jasper picks up my hand and brings it to his lips, closing his eyes and taking a breath before gently kissing the back.

"It won't be easy, you don't deserve for it to be. Everything we do will be on my terms." He murmurs this against my hand and every word makes my heart beat stronger and faster, like a shot of epinephrine shooting through me.

"I promise to never push you, all I want is a chance to love you again."

Jasper's hand pulls away from mine, he stands up and reaches down for me. I let him pull me to my feet. His eyes look deep into my soul and I hope he can trust in our love enough to say yes. My lids fall closed as his face nears mine and there is a whisper of his lips on mine.

"Okay, Edward, okay." He squeezes me to him once more and then lets go and walks away. I watch him go until his figure disappears and then sit against my tree for a few minutes more.

A genuine smile threatens to split my face. Jasper is going to give me a chance, one I know I don't deserve, but I am so thankful. The road ahead is not going to be easy but if the end result is a life with Jasper, I will gladly walk through fire.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you, as always for your reviews.**


	6. The Pale Moonlight

**A/N: There will be a longer note at the bottom but for now, thank you so much for your kinds words and patience with me.**

**Thank you to OnTheTurningAway for the time and care she puts into everything she betas.**

**Thank you to BeCullen for buying me in the FGB and sharing this.**

**Disclaimer: I own a fucking awesome new Dyson I might have hugged more than once, SM owns the rest.**

* * *

Thinking back to last night, I feel like I took one massive step forward and yet, there was still some backward movement. I came home from my talk with Jasper feeling happier and more alive than I have in months, hell, make that years.

There is still a niggling voice in the back of my mind that tells me it was all a joke. That there was no way Jasper would ever give me another chance, but I was there. I know what happened and at the end of the hours filled with bitter accusations, sorrow and tears, there was hope.

I have almost forgotten what hope feels like. This morning when I woke up and felt it, I was hard pressed to put a name on the emotion because it hasn't been a part of my life for so long.

I rush through my morning shower, dying to get to the coffee shop and see him. The anxiety practically vibrates off me as I slide the gel through my hair, scrub my teeth and forgo shaving all together.

Trying to keep my car at the speed limits almost tests my patience, but this is a small town and it won't do me any good to delay seeing Jasper's beautiful face because of a ticket. I am sure the policemen here are bored and need something to do. Pulling me over is not on the list today, for me or them.

My cheeks feel like they are going to split because I can't stop smiling, when I pull up I know it is mere seconds before he is in my arms again. The sign is a beacon, taking me to the one I love and adore and when it appears in my sight, my heart pounds from the excitement.

Parking the car in my usual space, I push my sunglasses into my hair and walk briskly to the door. As I reach out for the handle I see him, leaning down and talking to some patrons. His face is lit up as he talks to them. Jasper's hands are moving as he speaks and the couple at the table are holding hands and smiling.

I am unable to move for a moment, because watching him steals the breath from my lungs sometimes. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my face, I look up, close my eyes and take a breath before walking inside.

Jasper looks up as I walk in and while my face is smiling, all the love I have for him bursting from every pore, his frowns slightly. In that second it hits me, all the second guessing, the feeling that it was all in my head, the fact that maybe the talk never existed and I feel my throat burn as I look at him feeling more than a little confused.

He says his goodbyes to the couple and walks over to me. Jasper's eyebrows are furrowing more and more as he gets closer, accented by the frown on his face.

"What are you doing here?" he asks when he is a few feet away from me.

"What am I doing here? I came to see you," I say, thinking that I sure as hell wasn't expecting _that _reaction.

"This is my business, Edward. A place where I come to clear my head, run a successful place and keep a happy atmosphere. You promised to do this my way. We haven't even talked about what that will be and already you are charging in here expecting me to swoon and fall at your feet!"

I falter backwards slightly, a little taken aback.

"I wasn't expecting that, dammit," I say softly, even though I know a few eyes are on us, namely Jake's.

"Then what? You want me to be happy when I see you now? All of a sudden everything is wonderful and perfect and full of sunshine and rainbows?"

I don't know what to say to him because in all the scenarios that ran through my head, he wasn't this upset that I came to see him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset you...I'll go."

Without looking back, I turn and walk out the door. The trek to my car feels the complete opposite of the one in. I keep listening, praying that I will hear the pounding of Jasper's feet on the pavement behind me, but it never comes.

When I get home I sit on the couch and stare at nothing. For how long, I don't know. The entire time I wonder how I could have read the situation so wrong. It almost feels like I am back to square one, but there, Jasper hadn't given me any hope.

I still have that.

I think.

The day fades into night and I barely give the parting sun a glance. I welcome the moonlight, not ready to be steeped in utter darkness quite yet but not having the desire to flip the light switch. If there is even a sliver of pale white filtering in through my blinds, I don't feel so ravaged by this afternoon's encounter.

A loud rapping cutes through the haze of my thoughts and my eyes zero in on the door. Standing up for the first time since I walked in, I stretch before opening it. I know who it is and I am more than a little scared that my screw up today has made him reconsider his decision.

There he is, looking slightly worse for wear than before but still the one I hold most dear. Silently I push the door open and he walks in, I don't bother with a light. Walking over to the window, I look up into the sky, my back to him, counting the stars while waiting for the words that have the power to end me in this spot.

"Edward?" he whispers, as if trying to soften the blow.

"Jasper."

"I'm sorry to just show up but I don't know how else to contact you."

I swallow once before biting the inside of my cheek hard enough bring tears to my eyes.

Jasper's feet are pacing the carpet slowly, his breathing a little louder than normal, but I savor the sounds. I have denied myself anything that has to do with him for so long and regardless how small, I will take what I can get. Good, bad, happy or sad.

"Edward, this isn't going to work..."

"Just stop," I whisper frantically, trying to keep myself together until after he leaves. "Please."

"Let me finish," he says, determined and unwavering. I feel his heat as he stands behind me, his scent borderline cloying because he is about to take it all away.

My head shakes quickly, begging him not to continue, willing him with my mind to just go.

Jasper moves until I feel his chest press against my back, his mouth at my ear, and I unconsciously lean into him.

"Already no faith?" he asks, the silky soft skin of his lips moving against the shell of my ear. His breath fuels my heart and body to life in seconds.

"I'm scared," I say softly. Admitting that to him for the first time is debilitating.

"Of what?"

I want to feel his arms around me, for him to hold me while we have a conversation that will expose the deepest part of my soul. Jasper standing behind me is enough though, for now.

"That you will change your mind, decide that we, that _I _am not worth it."

"You're not."

The floor drops out from under me at those two words. Vines of despair slowly twist and wind themselves up my body, squeezing the life out of me as sure as his words do. When panic starts to hit me his arms wrap around me.

"Calm down, take a breath." His hands move up and down my torso until my breathing returns to normal and my lungs are functioning once again.

"Why did you make me hope?" I may not want to, but I need to hear the answer. Perhaps this is his way at getting back at me for leaving him behind all those years ago. Never once did I think Jasper would do such a thing, but people change, time changes us all.

"I'm not changing my mind, Edward." His hands move mindlessly over my chest and abdomen, a testament to the fact that he knows me better than anyone. Jasper knows what to do when I am excited, angry, frustrated, agitated, and there is no one else I want knowing how to bring me back from these emotions.

"You said..."

"I said you aren't worth it and you aren't...right now. You really hurt me Edward. Only you have the power to make me feel empty and comatose with your words and actions. I don't trust that person, I don't want that person, I want the Edward that only I saw."

My eyes are closed now, listening to his words, understanding but still agonizing at the way he feels about me.

Jasper slowly turns me to face him but I still don't open my eyes.

"I want the Edward who danced with me in our dorm room, trembling against me when my lips tasted your skin for the first time."

"Jasper," I rasp, remembering the touch that changed my life forever.

His fingers lightly trace the features of my face, ghosting over my eyes, nose, cheeks, jaw and mouth. Still, I don't move.

"I want the boy inside who was so nervous to remove his shirt that he couldn't undo the buttons, who shyly looked away as I exposed inch by inch of his pale skin."

Jasper put his mouth against my ear again, holding me tightly against his body.

"I want the boy who cried tears of pain the first time my fingers slid into the warmth of his body, yet whose eyes shone with a love so bright that I knew making love to him would bind me to him forever."

"Oh god," I whimper, turning my face slightly and brushing my lips against his, just once.

"I want the boy who gave himself to me with no reservations, sure in the love he felt for me. I want to watch him sweaty and flushed underneath me, writhing against me, losing himself in the passion and power of the way we felt about each other."

"I'm still here, Jasper. That boy still belongs to you."

"You'll never be that boy again, Edward and I need to let him go and make new memories with the man in front of me, at my pace."

"That's not true, Jasper. I am still the same boy who shared your bed, tangled up in sweaty sheets, loving the salty taste of your skin after making love to you over and over. He didn't go away!"

My voice is climbing into octaves unacceptable for this conversation but I'm desperate for him to understand. To see that I am still the same person who has always loved him.

"Shhhh, Edward, don't you understand that we can never go back? I can never go back and we have to move forward, slowly, one small step at a time."

"I love you, Jasper. I never stopped."

"I know, but I'm not that boy anymore either and I need to let him go too or this will never last."

"Those boys are who made us into who we are today, Jas."

Jasper's hand turns my face up to his and he smiles, the moon reflecting in the dark pupils looking at me.

"We haven't been together for three years, we need to learn it all over again and do better this time, don't you think?"

I nod, trying to lean forward and capture his mouth with mine.

"My pace," he whispers. "Mine."

"Okay, yours," I say, meaning every word, knowing our future is now in his hands. "I love you."

"Stay still," he says, holding my wrists down at my sides firmly.

I nod my head in acquiescence to his plea.

"I mean it, Edward. Don't move, just let me..." his words trail off as his hand comes up. Jasper's fingers slide into my hair, combing through it over and over. Leaning forward, he buries his nose there.

"God, Edward, you smell the same." My eyes close and I lean my head back, bringing his face down to my cheek.

A warm wetness moves languidly over my jaw. His open mouth travels down to my chin, licking and biting gently along the way. Jasper takes my head in his hands and brings my eyelids down to his lips.

He kisses each one, letting his lips linger for a brief moment.

"Your eyes tell me everything, they always have. So expressive, so clear, I want them to see me for who I am and still love me just the same."

"I do..."

"Shhhh, still and quiet, please. My pace."

His teeth sink tenderly into the tip of my nose.

"I remember our first kiss, my mouth hit your nose first in that awkward, nervous moment."

Scorching lips press small kisses over both my cheeks.

"Your skin, Edward, so smooth and perfect. From the moment I laid on eyes on you I wanted, no _needed,_ to taste the pale alabaster of your skin."

His tongue licks under my jaw and a gasp escapes, there is no holding it back.

"You still taste like I remember, like the most amazing burst of flavor against my tongue. It's an intoxicating flavor and I wanted it to be mine forever. I hated you and her for taking it away. I wanted to kill you when I thought of her mouth on you, tasting this." His hand trails down my neck.

"Jasp..."

"Shhhhh, remember, let me talk."

Jasper presses his lips to mine once, twice then leaves them there, his breath mingling with mine. It takes all the power I have to keep my tongue from pushing into his mouth and tasting him, my hands clenching at my sides.

"These lips, this mouth..." his tongue licks my bottom lip.

"Your lips touched my body in places that no one has ever done since. They knew me more intimately than I knew myself, teaching me about the intense pleasure they could wring from me."

My breathing is harsh and ragged, and when Jasper's tongue slides against mine we both moan. His hands grasp my hair and I keep my promise, not touching. He moves around my mouth in long, lazy strokes, reaching every corner, taking back what was always his. He withdraws before I am ready and his mouth is against mine once again.

"Oh fuck, Edward, your tongue. I can still feel my cock pushing in slowly, you sliding your tongue along me, up and down, over my balls and back."

Jasper takes one of my hands and moves it to the crack of his ass, brushing lightly before letting go.

"Do you remember? Tasting me here? Kissing me when you were through, sharing that intimate flavor with me?"

A tear escapes my eye as I nod my head. My breaking point is near and he knows this.

"Your mouth, Edward, the words that came out broke my fucking heart, shattered my soul and blew out the flame in my heart that burned with love for you."

_I'm so sorry,_ I mouth to him and he nods once before covering my mouth with his again. My hands creep slowly around his waist and he doesn't stop me. I hold him securely against me while our lips move, gradually getting more frantic, tasting and learning and making new memories in the dim light trickling through the window.

"Please don't ever make me feel like that again," Jasper says, his voice breaking before he pushes me against the window, finally bringing our aching groins in contact with each other.

"Never, I promise, I love you so fucking much," I say harshly, holding his hips and grinding forcefully. "Won't let you go again."

Mouths fuse, hips thrust, hands grab and pull and scratch but we don't stop. Our bodies race for the light, the explosive burst of passion and love that only our release will bring.

Jasper's body freezes and goes tight as his teeth press into my lips. He jerks, groans and cries out my name as I taste the coppery flavor from his bite. I push my cock into his, trying to come with him but needing a little more.

"Jasper, fuck...Jasper," I grunt, feeling the imminent surge of pleasure through my body and I throw my head back as I come hard and fast against him, relishing in the feel of him against me once more.

We both sink to the ground, lying next to each other on the floor with our hands linked between us. Having Jasper in my arms again has laid my emotions bare and if he says it's a mistake I fear for my sanity.

"Edward, I want it all again, I really do, but please. Help me to take it slow, I obviously don't have much will power when I am near you but if you really love me, understand that I have got to slow this down or I will hate myself in the end."

I understand, I really do but it still hurts that he isn't ready to be with me completely. But I will take what I can and be thankful he is giving me a chance again.

"Jasper, would you do me the honor of allowing me to take you out on our first date?"

He looks at me and smiles.

"Our first date? We never did have one of those, did we?"

"No and that needs to be rectified soon."

Jasper's fingers hold mine tighter and his eyes glisten.

"I would love to go on a date with you, Friday?" His eyes are hopeful.

"Well, let me check my calendar and I'll let you know."

Jasper gives me the look that says I am about to be in trouble and I relent quickly.

"Friday night I am all yours. I'll pick you up at 7?"

"Okay," he says, sitting up slowly. "At the cafe, I'll be waiting."

"That means I won't see you for three days," I say, feeling unsettled at the thought.

"You'll survive," he says, "you did for three years."

Just like that the moment is gone and he stands, reaches down and helps me up.

"I'll see you Friday, Edward." And then, he walks out the door.

I have three days to plan the perfect date and I am more nervous than ever, but now I have a lot more than hope.

I have him.

* * *

**A/N: What to say…first of all I am so sorry for my lack of updates but my life is so stressful and I can't make the words flow. When they come I put them to paper. In the past few months my son spent a week in the hospital and has yet to fully recover. My life is a series of doctor visits, tests, procedures, more anesthesia for him and no answers. So please continue to be patient with me please.**

**I am writing for The Fandom Fights Tsunami fundraiser, so please donate and you will receive a compilation full of amazing author contributions.**

fandomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com

**Also, thank you to whoever nominated this story in the Sunflower Awards. It is up for Best Angst and Best Quote. A Kiss Before I Say Goodbye was nominated in the Best One Shot category. It makes me smile that they were put into categories that were not predominantly slash, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Voting is now open, please vote for your favorites. **

thesunflowerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com

**Thank you again, I don't have a posting schedule but as the words come to me I will write them.**


End file.
